This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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