In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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