Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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