So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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