she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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