His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
