I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the day after is always just damage control
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
