My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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