rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
