One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
