It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
