Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
