id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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