I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
