im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize