I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize