I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize