Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize