Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize