she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
