I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My pussy is not your playground.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
