ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
