you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
