I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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