On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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