weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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