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On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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