You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize