Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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