No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
