This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
