You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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