I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
