He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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