I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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