I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
