I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
