maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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