I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
4 words: hood of his car
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
