Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
