Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
