I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
