Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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