I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
