party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize