....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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