Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
