Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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