a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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