Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
