You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
