1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
