there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
