If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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