Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
