He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
