I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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