So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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