toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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