Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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