You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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