How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
