I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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