my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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