Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
