dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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